


Oh, how softly you once broke me

by JustKiddingRowling



Category: Harry Potter - Fandom, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Attempt at Humor, F/M, First Kiss, First War with Voldemort, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, Hints of Jily, Hogwarts Hospital Wing, I'm Bad At Tagging, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), References to Oscar Wilde, Sexual Confusion, kinda sad, not really tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-20
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:27:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28193943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustKiddingRowling/pseuds/JustKiddingRowling
Summary: ‘I’m sorry’ Remus whispered, ‘I’m so sorry.’And then the corners of Sirius’s mouth twitched slightly, and his eyes met Remus’s for the first time.‘That was kind of the point, I guess.’In which Sirius gets hurt and Remus is struggling to understand things.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Kudos: 61





	Oh, how softly you once broke me

The light of the rising sun painted everything golden and the soft silence wrapped the castle into a veil of treacherous stillness. Only one of the four students waiting outside the hospital wing seemed to be aware of the sudden change in atmosphere. Remus Lupin watched as the warm morning glow broke through the window and caressed Lily Evans’ porcelain skin, gently outlining her high cheekbones. The girl sighed softly in her sleep and shifted closer to James Potter, snuggling into the boy’s neck. James had fallen asleep just minutes ago, with his head leaning against the bare stonewall. _It’s a nice morning_ , Remus suddenly thought, not really knowing what to do with such information, but also not able to ignore how tenderly the dawning day flooded the corridors of the school. Next to him Peter Pettigrew was snoring quietly and for a brief second the sound of chirping birds outside the castle almost made Remus believe that it really was going to be fine, just like Madame Pomfrey had promised. Then his weary gaze fell on the wooden entrance of the hospital wing and the short moment of hope was lost inside the dark cracks that spread across the solid door.

_‘The world breaks like the sun through violent rain,_

_That cuts you open, drops made out of glass,_

_When no one ought to know the others name,_

_And you shall wonder just how soft it was.’  
  
Remus let the book sink and looked over to where Sirius sat next to him on the dormitory bed. Strands of dark hair had fallen into his eyes and his gaze was fixed on Remus, a faint smile tracing his lips.  
  
‘So what do you think?’ Remus asked.  
  
‘What do I think about what?’  
  
‘What do you think about the poem?’  
  
Sirius shrugged. Suddenly an odd expression settled on his face.  
  
‘I think it’s a bit girlish if I’m being honest.’  
  
Remus snorted and started flipping through the poetry book again.  
  
‘You’re one to talk.’  
  
Beside him, he felt the other boy stiffen.  
  
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’  
  
He suddenly sounded tense and when Remus turned to look at him, Sirius eyes were sparkling dangerously.  
  
‘Nothing, really. You just tend to be a bit…you know.’  
  
‘Actually, I do not know, so if you could please enlighten me.’  
  
Remus hesitated and shifted uncomfortably. He did not dare to meet Sirius’s eyes.  
  
‘Flamboyant. You tend to be a bit flamboyant. To put it that way. But nothing wrong with that mate.’  
  
An uneasy silence settled between them, leaving Remus stuck between wanting to say something and not knowing what to say at all. He was just about to start apologising and take it all back, when suddenly he felt Sirius moving beside him.  
  
‘I’ll show you flamboyant, you fucking ponce.’  
  
And with that a pillow landed in Remus’ face._

The memory now tasted bittersweet on that dreadful morning in the spring of 1976. Remus sighed heavily and rested his head against the cold wall. He silently cursed Sirius for getting himself hurt, for being a prick, for _not_ being in the dormitory when Remus had woken up in the middle of the night. For being fucking selfish and too heroic for his own good.  
  
‘He’s going to be fine.’  
  
Remus looked up and met Lily’s concerned gaze with a bitter smile. Her freckles-covered face was framed by shimmering red hair, her green eyes were sparkled with affectionate worry. He hated it.  
  
‘You don’t know that’ he said bluntly, trying to keep his voice steady. Remus did not want empty phrases. He just wanted Madame Pomfrey to open the door.  
  
‘I don’t. But if there is one thing I know about Sirius Black, it’s that he is not going to give up. Ever. And I think you know that as well.’  
  
There was something in her voice that made Remus almost believe what she was saying. He bit his lip and tried to smile genuinely. He knew that she meant well, he just didn’t feel like getting his hopes up in order so see them come crashing down later on.  
  
Next to Lily, James started moving and the girl shifted away from him. Remus cleared his throat and shot Lily a knowing glance. The faint blush spreading across her cheeks went unnoticed by James, who suddenly straightened up in alarm.  
  
‘How long did I sleep?’  
  
It almost sounded apologetic, worried at least. Remus shrugged and glanced down at his wristwatch.  
  
‘Maybe twenty minutes. You didn’t miss anything too thrilling’ he added dryly and looked over to where Peter had curled up on the naked floor.  
  
‘We ought to wake him up. Dumbledore will be here soon.’  
  
James was already about to get up when Lily held him back at the wrist, shaking her head slightly.  
  
‘He won’t be here until in an hour. He is talking to the ministry about security measures for Hogwarts. To protect the castle from intruders. I heard him talking about it with McGonagall. He’ll be back around six.’

Remus felt just as confused as James looked. With a puzzled frown, he turned to Lily, who in the in the meantime had let go of James’ hand.

‘Lily’ he started; his voice suddenly low ‘What intruders are you talking about? There weren’t any intruders. We know who did _that.’_

His hand gestured towards the still closed door of the hospital wing. Lily avoided his eyes.

‘Actually, we don’t.’

Her words were not more than a whisper, but they rested heavily between the three students. James was the first to break through their tense thickness. 

‘Are you saying that Sirius is lying?’

His voice was low, and Remus knew how hard it was for him to stay calm. Lily eyes widened in surprise and she was quick to object.

‘That’s not what I meant, really. I believe Sirius, of course I do. It’s just that there isn’t any actual evidence to support his allegations and I think as long as that’s the case, there won’t be any consequences, given the…given the circumstances.’

‘You mean given the circumstance that certain people are rather influential on our beloved ministry.’

Remus’ voice sounded harsher than he intended it to, but he could not bring himself to care. It was not Lily’s fault that she was right. He was just annoyed by _how_ right she was. James, however, did not seem willing to accept such bitter realism.

‘What are they supposed to say? That Sirius was sleepwalking through the forbidden forest when suddenly Hagrid came jumping out of the bushes and knocked him over with a piece of wood? Or maybe the centaurs did it? Apparently, there are giant spiders living in the forest, might as well have been one of them! There will be an investigation, for fuck’s sake, he is a Black. Someone tried to _murder_ him-!’

‘James, would you please shut up? Waking up the whole castle is not going to help, you know? Lily’s right- ‘

‘No, you shut up Remus. My best friend is in there, he might _die._ I will not sit here and listen to the both of you telling me that no one going to be held accountable for this. _Especially_ since he told us who did it.’

Remus sensed James’s anger in the way that his voice trembled and his whole body seemed to tense up. He was not having it.

‘He is my best friend as well, you utter idiot. You know damn well that-’

He was cut off by James’ laugh.

‘You call yourself his best friend? You haven’t even talked to him in _weeks._ How come you only show up when he’s dying, _best friend?’_

James did not see the punch coming, although he probably should have. Lily cried out in horror as Remus watched him stumble backwards, eyes widened in disbelief. It was only when James lunged at him that Remus realised what he had done, and it was only when the fist struck him in the face that he regretted it.

‘Stop it, you two.’

An annoyed voice broke them apart and they both looked over to where Peter had been sleeping just seconds ago. The chubby boy had now straightened up, and the look he shot his friends was disapproving, to say the least.

‘What is wrong with you two? Like seriously, get over yourself. This is not about you. Beyond _ridiculous._ ’

As if to emphasize his statement, Peter threw his hands up in frustration and let out a frustrated groan. To Remus’ surprise James backed away slowly, his fist still clenched. Remus let his hands sink. He tasted blood on his tongue.

Remus suddenly felt very stupid.

‘Look, I’m sorry Prongs. For punching you.’

James turned away but Remus saw his features soften in the dusty sunlight. He sighed quietly.

‘It’s fine Moony. I kind of deserved it I guess.’

And that was as much of an apology as you could get from James Potter.

Remus shrugged and let himself sink against the wall. James was right, he suddenly realised. He was not talking to Sirius. Not that he had ever decided to stop talking to him; it was more of an inevitable reaction to everything that had happened. Everything that had made it hard to look at Sirius.

_The wind had calmed, and the lake was now still, with only small waves rippling on its surface. It was a peaceful afternoon, light and soft, almost a little too warm for its season. Remus looked up from ‘Advanced Potion Making’ and saw Sirius heading towards him from the castle. He seemed unusually calm and the low sun was lighting up his eyes in a way that made Remus’ heart ache._

_‘I’ve been looking for you.’_

_Sirius sank down on the soft grass beside him. He blew some strands of hair out of his face and kept his eyes fixed on the lake._

_‘You really ought to get a haircut, y’know?’_

_Sirius snorted._

_‘You don’t mean that’ he simply answered, shrugging._

_Remus rolled his eyes._

_He probably did not._

_Their knees were slightly touching._

_‘I’m sorry you got involved. I know you take the whole prefect thing quite seriously and I didn’t mean to ruin it for you. None of us did.’_

_Remus couldn’t help but smile a little._

_‘It’s not big of a deal really. I somehow was involved in the prank, I guess. At least I got some credit. Also, it takes a bit more than a few incontinent Slytherins for McGonagall to take the prefect badge away from me.’_

_Sirius shrugged again, still not meeting Remus’ eye._

_‘It’s just that I sometimes feel bad for… I don’t know. Ruining you maybe. You wouldn’t be doing all of this stuff if it wasn’t for us, you know?’_

_Suddenly, Remus felt annoyed. He had long grown tired of Sirius constantly treating him like a little kid._

_‘Oh, come on. I’m neither an idiot nor am I incapable of making my own decisions. You lot didn’t ruin me. I was having fun. I’ll accept the consequences. Get over it.’_

_To his surprise, Sirius nodded._

_‘You’re right. I really didn’t mean it that way, Moony. I just felt like I should apologise.’_

_His voice was soft and calm, and Remus felt his irritation fade almost immediately._

_‘You really didn’t have to.’_

_They sat in comfortable silence for some moments, their knees still touching. The sun had begun to set, and the light breeze made Remus shiver. When Sirius turned to look at him, something in his face had changed. His lips were twitching slightly, and he suddenly looked unsure, even though Remus could not quite determine of what. It was only when he felt warm breath on his lips that he realised how close they were._

_‘Are you cold?’_

_Sirius voice was low. Remus shrugged, suddenly not entirely sure of the answer himself. Surprisingly, he felt himself blushing._

_‘Fuck, you’re pretty.’_

_It was not more than a whisper, but they were close enough for Remus to understand every word._

_‘What?’_

_And just like that the moment was broken and Sirius turned away. The last rays of sunlight were silently vanishing into the early night as he stood up and wiped some lose blades of grass off his robe. His voice sounded almost too bitter for Remus to bear._

_‘Sorry Moony. Couldn’t quite help myself there.’_

_And then he was gone, leaving Remus to nothing but darkness and a thousand questions why._

It was well past six when Dumbledore finally arrived. The peculiar calmness emanating from the old wizard had an almost soothing effect on his pupils, however, Remus was quick to mistrust the headmaster’s comforting eyes.

His uneasy feeling soon turned out to be justified.

‘I am afraid, I must inform you that the ministry is not willing to conduct a school-intern investigation. I was, however, promised a reinforcement of the security measures at Hogwarts which should prevent such thing from happening again. It is important to me to assure you that _I_ believe Mister Black. Unfortunately, my hands are tied.’

Such statement from the so-called most powerful wizard of all time, left the four students speechless. It was James who put their thoughts to words.

‘Please excuse the disrespect, Sir, but what the fuck is that supposed to mean? There just won’t be an investigation? That’s laughable. Is that even legal? Is the ministry not aware that this is about _death eaters? In_ Hogwarts?’

Dumbledore expression was empathetic, and he met James’ eye over the frame of his half-moon shaped glasses.

‘I’m afraid, Mr. Potter, that the ministry _is_ aware of this. I will be honest with you. I was informed by the minister of magic that such investigation is neither wished for nor supported, since the fear that it will place Hogwarts in the centre of this ongoing conflict is predominant. I am sure you would all agree with me if I were to say that Hogwarts seemingly already _is_ in the centre of this war, however, the Ministry seems interested in giving the impression that this is not the case. But of course, the question remains: At what cost?’

His eyes wandered across their faces to the still closed door. Remus felt like crying. Or screaming. He buried his face in his hand and groaned in frustration.

‘So, they’re going to cover it up.’

The look Dumbledore gave him was sympathetic, but that was answer enough.

‘So, what’s going to be the story? How are they going to explain a student being attacked at Hogwarts? If he-. If Madame Pomfrey is able to help him he will eventually be transferred to St.Mungo’s. People will ask questions. What are you going to tell them?’

Remus’ voice sounded tired and he suddenly felt even more exhausted. It was as if the headmaster’s words had drained his last bit of energy.

‘I don’t know, Mr. Lupin. But the fact that he was found coming out of the Forbidden Forest might serve the matter. Just a foolish schoolboy, searching for a rush and underestimating it in the end. A broken-hearted teenager or a reckless outcast from his family with nothing left to lose. There are thousand ways of telling a story if none of them is the truth. Or maybe if all of them are, in a sense.’

He was know looking directly at Remus, a faint smile tracing the corners of his mouth.

‘I’m afraid that’s all I can tell you for now. I have to leave again, but I will talk to Mr. Black as soon as he is responsive. For now, it is important not to lose hope.’

He was already about to leave when he suddenly hesitated.

‘Oh, and before I forget about it. 100 points to Gryffindor for each of you. For outstanding bravery and probably saving your friends life.’

When he was gone, Peter blurted out:

‘He really _is_ strange. I mean what was that even about?’

James nodded in silent agreement, but Lily appeared to be lost in thought.

‘I mean it kind of really is weird, I guess,’ she suddenly began.

The three boys looked at her in confusion.

‘I mean, that he decided to follow four students into the Forbidden Forest in the middle of the night, _knowing_ that they are probably death eaters. _Completely_ alone and _without_ his wand. I mean, I know he’s thick but that’s almost suicidal.’

She shrugged and looked at them expectantly.

‘He might just have forgotten his wand in the dormitory,’ James considered, unsure of what Lily was trying to suggest.

‘But how did he even know that they were planning something last night? And if he knew, why didn’t he take you guys with him? Or at least his wand?’

Remus shrugged.

‘Maybe he didn’t know, and was just strolling around the grounds when he saw them disappearing into the forest? And he decided to follow them because he’s an idiot and thought he could deal with it on his own. Even without his wand. I don’t know whether you’ve noticed or not, but he tends to be quite self-confident.’

Of course, Remus had asked himself those same question. He had concluded that Sirius must have decided to go on a late-night stroll as Padfoot and during that walk the three shady figures at the entrance of the Forbidden Forest had caught his attention. It still did not explain why after that he apparently had not remained in his Animagus form, but it was close enough to a possibility for Remus to consider it fact. At least as long as Sirius was not able to explain it himself.

Unfortunately, he could not tell Lily any of that, because it would mean exposing Sirius as an illegal Animagus.

Also, there was this whispering voice, deep within the rage of a thousand thoughts, telling him that somehow, Lily was right. Nothing was making sense, but nothing had been making sense for an awfully long time.

_‘James. James, wake up.’_

_James groaned and tried to turn away from Remus, mumbling something inaudible, but certainly very rude. It was only when Remus slapped him right across the face, that he finally straightened up._

_‘What the fuck, mate?’_

_‘Sirius is gone.’_

_James looked at Remus as if he had grown a second head._

_‘The fuck. Why would I care? I. Do. Not. Care. He’s probably shagging some bird in a cupboard. Let me sleep, Remus.’_

_He sank back into the heavy pillows._

_‘James, you don’t understand. He’s been gone for hours.’_

_No answer._

_‘He’s not on the map, Prongs.’_

_James snorted into the sheets._

_‘Overprotective much? Fucking hell, Moony, let the boy live. He won’t get eaten by the squid.’_

_‘I think that he might be in the forest.’_

_‘Why the fuck would you think that?’_

_Remus shrugged. James now turned to look at him, his gaze suddenly attentive. Remus avoided his eyes._

_‘I don’t know. It makes sense, I guess. Explains why he isn’t on the map.’_

_Just as James opened his mouth to answer something, again, certainly very rude, they noticed a movement at the other side of the dark dormitory._

_Peter had slipped out of bed and had thrown over a jumper._

_‘So, are you guys coming or what?’, he asked as he walked past them to the door._

_And just like that James was out of bed. The one thing he simply could not accept was missing out on a potential adventure._

_Of course, it was quite unfortunate that Lily had fallen asleep in the common room earlier that evening, but it was even more unfortunate that she was incredibly stubborn, and when none of the three boys was willing to explain the nature of their late night excursion, she promptly decided on coming along._

_‘So, where are we heading? And where’s Sirius, anyway?’ she asked Remus, while climbing through the portrait whole._

_Before he could answer, James had forced himself between them, placing an arm on each of their shoulders._

_‘To be quite frank with you, Evans, we don’t know where the night has led our dear friend. What I do know, however, is that the colour of your sweater matches your eyes quite lovely.’_

_Lily just sighed and pushed his arm away. Remus and Peter shared an amused look, latter struggling to hold back a snicker._

_‘He has been gone for hours and we’re looking for him,’ Remus explained, trying to keep his voice low. He was not too keen on being caught outside of bed in the middle of the night._

_‘And? He’s probably with some girl.’_

_James paused and looked at Lily in awe._

_‘That’s what I said as well.’_

_Remus groaned in annoyance._

_‘That is not what you- you know, never mind. Anyway, we think that he might be in the Forbidden Forest. Lily, we all get if you don’t want to risk losing your prefect badge over this, so you can just go back to the common room if you-‘_

_‘Argh. Shut up Remus, will ya?’_

_Lily groaned and punched his arm playfully._

_‘Yeah, why don’t you shut up, Remus?’ James agreed, sounding slightly annoyed. Remus gave up._

_They left the castle through a secret passage on the first floor. The night was moonless and too black for the light of their wands to reach any further than a few hundred feet. The entrance of the Forbidden Forest appeared almost peaceful, yet Remus did not dare to imagine what dangers the darkness behind it was hiding._

_‘It’s quite creepy,’ Peter stated, and Remus felt James shiver next to him._

_‘Remus,’ Lilly shifted uncomfortably ‘How do we even know that he’s in there? You know, I just don’t think it’s very smart to go there on our own…Maybe we should get a teacher.’_

_‘Lily, he’s gotta be here, there’s nowhere else he could be. Besides, I actually kind of saw him…I kind of saw him entering the forest.’_

_Lily looked at him in confusion._

_‘You saw him entering? But how? It is literally to dark to see any further than five feet. There is no way you saw him from your dormitory window-‘_

_James chuckled._

_‘That’s because he didn’t. You didn’t see him from the dormitory window, did you? Merlin, Moony, you really are overprotective. Do you always use the map to stalk him? I don’t know what is going on between the two of you but if you care so much about what he’s up to, why don’t you just ask? Did you really spend you whole evening on-‘_

_‘For fuck’s sake, James, you’re such a wanker. I did not bloody stalk him and I am not overprotective. I was just looking at the map, because he was gone when I woke up and then I saw him following some Slytherins into the forest and that’s why-’_

_‘Well why the fuck didn’t you just lead with that when waking me up?’_

_‘I-‘_

_‘Guys.’_

_‘What map are we even talking about?’ Lily interrupted, visibly confused._

_‘Guys.’_

_‘This is kind of a private-‘_

_‘GUYS.’_

_‘What, Peter?’ the three groaned in unison._

_‘Uhm. Over there.’ The boy’s finger pointed to the forest, where a figure emerged out of the darkness, stumbling towards them. Suddenly, the silhouette let out a strangled cry and sank to the ground. Remus felt his knees weaken. His voice was not more than a whisper._

_‘Sirius.’_

_He was the first by his side. Sirius’ hair and face were smeared in dirt, sweat and blood. So much blood. It was everywhere, Remus realized in horror. His hands were trembling when they found Sirius’ face._

_‘I’ve been looking for you.’_

_Remus realized how that probably wasn’t the most sensible thing to say, but he did not care._

_Sirius turned his head towards the sound of the other boy’s voice. Remus could tell that every movement was causing him pain._

_‘Shouldn’t have lost me in the first place, I s’pose.’_

_His voice was a broken whisper. Suddenly, he inhaled sharply, gasping for air. Remus noticed several cuts covering his face. Sirius’s whole body was shaking, his breathing was unsteady. All of a sudden, he shifted, bringing his hand up to where Remus was touching his face. Remus felt Sirius’ fingers run over his wrist, soft and light, barely touching him at all._

_‘I’m sorry’ Remus whispered, ‘I’m so sorry.’_

_And then the corners of Sirius’s mouth twitched slightly, and his eyes met Remus’s for the first time._

_‘That was kind of the point, I guess.’_

Madame Pomfrey was probably one of the most competent mediwitches to ever practise at Hogwarts. Prior to accepting Albus Dumbledore’s offer to be his school’s matron, she had been approached by St. Mungo’s and several other medical institutions all over the country. She was an exceptional healer, but that was not what made her an exceptional caretaker. Madame Pomfrey was discreet but resolute, warm-hearted but stern, and most important of all; she was completely and unapologetic devoted to her patients. Over the years she had seen everything, from minor bone fractures to severe head injuries and she had managed to heal each of them. She had, however, never seen something like this.

Sirius Black would not die, not on her watch. He just also would not stop bleeding. With the morning dawned also the realisation that there was nothing Madame Pomfrey could do to stop the new bandages from being soaked after just seconds, there was nothing she could do to ease the pain. Sirius’s body was covered in gaping wounds, that seemed resilient to not only every common, but also every uncommon healing spell the experienced witch could think of. And still she kept trying; even if it was to avoid the simple truth: Dumbledore had known it the second he had laid his eyes on Sirius Black and so had Madame Pomfrey. This was not something that could be fixed with common healing spells. This was something worse than every injury she had treated before, something inherently _evil._ It was the most severe case of Dark Magic she had seen since the 40s.

Sirius groaned in pain whenever he tried to move. The portion which was supposed to put him to sleep had not worked, the pain kept bringing him back to consciousness. That or it was just another cruel effect of the spell.

He kept his eyes shut for most of the time. When he did look at the mediwitch his eyes were fearful, sometimes even pleading. It took Madame Pomfrey everything to not turn away.

She had just finished changing the bandages, when suddenly the door of the Hospital Wing burst open. Followed by Sirius’s friends, a tall, dark haired boy stormed into the room. Madame Pomfrey shot up, already about to get furious because she had strictly instructed everyone to wait outside, but she hesitated when she recognised the student.

‘Mr. Black,’ she stated toneless.

Regulus Black suddenly seemed taken aback. His gaze was fixed on his brother’s bed and his brain seemed to be working through several hundred scenarios at once. For a moment Madame Pomfrey thought he would just turn around and leave.

‘I can help him’ he finally said.

Madame Pomfrey saw James Potter step forward, ready to lunge at Regulus. He was hold back by one of his friends, with sheer unbothered ease. When Remus Lupin started talking his voice was low and grim. 

‘If you ever think about touching your brother again, I will personally kill you.’

Regulus took a step back. No one doubted the sincerity of Remus’s words for a single second.

‘I didn’t do that to him. It wasn’t me.’

‘ _You were there_! The fact that you let them do _this_ to your brother, is just as bad. You are seriously sick in the head if you believe we’ll let you come anywhere near him.’

The way Remus spoke sent a shiver down Madame Pomfrey’s spine. She had known this boy for six years and not once he had come across as anything other than gentle and kind. This was a side of him she did not know.

‘ _He_ was the one to follow us into the forest! What was he even expecting? There was nothing I could have done to help him-’

He was cut off by James’s laugh. Madame Pomfrey knew that it was only Remus’s hand on his arm that kept him from ripping Regulus apart there and then.

‘You filthy little traitor, I will break every single bone in your filthy little body-‘

James was interrupted by Regulus.

‘ _He_ was the one who left in the first place, _he_ is the traitor! If I had stopped them I would have been just as much of a traitor as him! What was I supposed to do-?’

‘Literally anything, Regulus!’ Remus stepped forward and let go of James. ‘Literally anything would have been better than nothing! He did not abandon you Regulus, for fuck’s sake, are you really that daft? He had to leave because you were starting to believe what your parents were telling you. How can you think he left you when all he did was save himself? He thought he had lost you Regulus and the fact that you almost let him get killed by your _friends_ kind of proves him right!’

‘I did not mean to let him die! But he gave up on me, so I-!’ Suddenly Regulus’s voice became quiet. He turned away.

‘I guess I gave up on him as well.’

And then Regulus started crying. He buried his face in his hands as a muffled sob echoed through the silent hospital wing. Suddenly, no one dared to say a word. Madame Pomfrey was watching Remus. She thought that she saw his eyes soften for a split second. His gaze, however, was still full of mistrust. James Potter was looking at Regulus in disgust, fist still clenched. He almost seemed even more furious than his friend. He now was being hold back by Peter and Lily, for Remus did not even seem to care anymore. Both of them looked as perplexed as Madame Pomfrey felt. Then, all of a sudden, Regulus stopped crying. He straightened up and met Remus’s eyes with a confidence that had not been there before. His voice was calm and steady when he started to speak.

‘I am the only person who is able and actually willing to help him right now. Let me help.’

Madame Pomfrey got up and walked over to where Regulus was standing. He was several inches taller, yet he backed away in intimidation.

‘Tell me how’ Madame Pomfrey said calmly, ‘Tell me how and I will do it.’

Remus agreed to let James visit Sirius first. He also agreed to Peter visiting before him. However, he did not do it out of altruism: If anything, Remus was scared. He had not really talked to Sirius since the thing at the lake. It was going to be the first time in weeks for them to have a proper conversation and that was exactly what Remus had been trying to avoid this whole time. He knew how that probably was not very fair, let alone brave, but he just had not been able to think of anything to say. Right now, he did not even know if there was anything he _wanted_ to say.

‘Remus.’

‘Uh- What?’

Confused, he looked up. Lily sat down next to him at the breakfast table.

‘I asked if you know where James is.’

‘If I-Um no. Actually, I mean yes. He is visiting Sirius. With Peter. In the hospital wing.’

Lily eyed him suspiciously before reaching out for a toast.

‘So how is Sirius doing? I’ve been wanting to visit but Madame Pomfrey is super strict on who is allowed to see him.’

‘I, uhm, I actually don’t know.’

Lily looked up from buttering her toast. A strange expression settled on her face.

‘Remus. He’s been in the hospital wing for what? Three days? Don’t get me wrong, it is probably none of my business, but _why_ haven’t you visited?’

Remus shrugged. Lily sighed and took a bite.

‘You know what, James is right. You two really have something weird going on. I mean just the fact that Sirius won’t talk about it _with James_ , is just _so_ weird. Normally he talks about _everything_ with James. I mean all James really talks about is how close he is with Sirius, it is always Sirius this, Sirius that-’

Remus shot her an amused glance. Lily cleared her throat.

‘You know, never mind. All I’m trying to say is, that I really don’t understand what possibly could be worse enough for Sirius to _not_ talk about it with James. I mean it’s not like you two shagged or something.’

Remus almost chocked on his biscuit. He felt himself blushing furiously and next to him Lily started chuckling. Then she looked over and froze. Her expression changed immediately, and her eyes widened in realisation. She let out a surprised ‘Oh’ before lowering her voice.

‘You two _did_ shag, didn’t you? I am like _so_ cool with that you know-‘

‘Lily!’ Remus let out an annoyed groan ‘We did not- We did not _shag_.’

‘Oh’ she leaned back, eyeing him thoughtfully ‘So he rejected you?’

‘What- I – no! Of course not!’

‘Wait did you reject him? Damn Remus, didn’t think you’d have it in-‘

‘That- Lily, no. You know what, I will go talk to him right now, just so I can come back and confirm that neither of us has even thought about- about _that._ ’

He felt himself blushing even more.

‘Bit odd that you have to talk to him to confirm, that _you_ haven’t been wanting to shag him’ Lily replied, grinning smugly.

‘I have not- You know what Lily, I am leaving right now. I will talk to him about… _this,_ just so I can come back and confirm to you just how much we _don’t_ want to shag each other.’

‘Whatever you say, Remus.’

And then she actually had the audacity to _wink_ at him _._

Without saying another word, Remus got up and left the Great Hall, completely ignoring Lily shouting after him.

When Remus arrived at the hospital wing, he suddenly felt very stupid. He also felt somehow guilty, that he had not visited Sirius before and that the only reason he did so now was because he wanted to prove his point. A point which, in all honesty, should not even be up to debate.

But even before he could reconsider his decision, the door swung open and James and Peter entered the hallway, chatting enthusiastically. They paused when they caught sight of their friend.

‘Oi, mate’ James said surprised ‘What are you doing here? I thought you wanted to revise for Portions after breakfast?’

Remus did not know what to say. He had been lying, of course. James eyed him suspiciously, but Peter saved him.

‘You won’t believe what Sirius just told us.’

Remus tried to avoid James’ eyes and turned to Peter.

‘What is it?’

‘It was Dumbledore, who convinced Regulus to help him.’

Remus hesitated.

‘So, Dumbledore _knows_ that Regulus was involved?’

James shrugged before answering. 

‘He probably knows about all of them.’

Remus could not believe it. He struggled to keep his voice low.

‘So, if he knows that Snape and Avery were there as well, why doesn’t he do anything about it? That goes against every common sense, I-.’

‘It does,’ James interrupted ‘But I’m honestly convinced that Dumbledore lacks every common sense at this point. With him, it’s all strategy up there, you know.’

James finger pointed towards his own head and he shrugged again.

‘That’s madness.’

‘It is.’

None of them said anything for a few moments. Then, Peter turned to James.

‘C’mon James. I still wanted to show you the secret passage I found the other day.’

Just like that they were gone, and Remus tried to take in everything he had just learned. He suddenly felt very small and powerless. _It’s like a game of chess,_ he realised. _Dumbledore gives everything to checkmate, even if everything is quite a lot._

His eyes fell on the wooden door of the hospital and he suddenly realized just how nervous he really was. His heart was pounding in his chest and his hands were sweating. It was, quite frankly, frustrating, especially since he could not quite determine why he felt that way. He was just going to have a laid-back chat with one of his best mates, in which they would be clearing up some unfortunate misunderstanding. Because that was all it came down to in the end, wasn’t it? Misunderstandings. Failed communication. Some misinterpreted looks and a lot of misinterpreted touches. Nothing to be nervous about. He took a deep breath before finally bringing himself to knock. Madame Pomfrey opened the door and welcomed him with a surprised smile.

‘Remus, dear. Your friends have just left. I am afraid Sirius has already had enough visitors for today. I’d like him to get some rest, so if you-’

‘Madame Pomfrey. Please. I haven’t talked to him yet. I swear it is only this one time and that if you let me, I will never ever leave the hospital wing earlier than you want me to again, not even by a second. Please, just let me talk to him for a minute.’

Remus did not know where this sudden certainty of wanting to talk to Sirius was coming from. Something had changed the second he had realised that Madame Pomfrey might not let him.

The look that the matron gave him was certainly conflicted, but finally she sighed. Remus knew that he had won.

‘Thank you so much. I promise I will make it up to you.’

She smiled warmly and Remus could not help but hug her, brief and tight.

‘I wouldn’t be making such big promises, Remus. Five minutes. And don’t get him worked up.’

She let him in and gestured towards a white curtain at the other end of the hospital wing.

‘Dumbledore asked for him to be separate from the other students. He is in the last bed on the left.’

She then left, not without shooting Remus a last warning glance. Remus felt his heart pounding as he walked towards the curtain, that had been hung up to shield the bed behind it from prying eyes.

Sirius was even paler than usual. His skin was white as porcelain and his eyes were closed. Rays of soft morning sun outlined his high cheekbones and coloured his slightly parted lips. His breath was calm and steady, and Remus suddenly realised just how peaceful, how _profound,_ Sirius looked. He felt his chest tighten.

_Behind every exquisite thing that existed, there was something tragic._

Remus sighed and turned to leave, careful to not wake up the other boy, when he suddenly felt a hand around his wrist.

‘Did you really just come here to quote Oscar Wilde to me and then _leave_? I’m sorry, Moony, but even I find that a bit _much_.’

Sirius was looking at him, with sun lighting up his eyes and a smirk on his lips, that made Remus want to punch him right in the face. He flushed and pulled away his hand. He had not realised that he had been thinking out loud.

‘You’re awake.’

‘And you are observant as always. They really call you the smart one for a reason, mate.’

 _Point proven. I hate him,_ Remus thought.

‘I’m sorry’ he said instead.

Sirius’s expression changed and he shifted, trying to straighten up.

‘For what?’

His voice suddenly sounded thin, and for a moment Remus thought that he almost looked scared. He stepped closer and sat down on Sirius’s bed.

‘For not talking to you _for weeks._ For not looking for you earlier that night. And for not visiting. And for only visiting _now,_ because I wanted to prove something to Lily, which is probably the worst one, now that I think about it-’

‘Moony.’

Sirius’s voice was soft and smiled slightly.

‘Please shut up, will ya?’

‘I- Hm. It is just that-’

‘Stop apologising, there is literally no need. If anything, _I_ should be the one apologising to _you_. I am honestly surprised that you’ve showed up _at all_ , because I for sure wouldn’t have.’

Remus hesitated.

‘What do you mean by that, Sirius?’

Sirius sighed und turned away. His expression changed and Remus saw him swallow.

‘I’m sorry, Remus. I messed up _bad_ and I know that. The thing at the lake-’

‘It doesn’t matter, I-’

‘Except that it does, Moony. And it was me who fucked it up. I know that, but that’s not even the part that’s _really_ messed-up. The thing is Remus, I know it is not a big deal for you and you could go and be the nice guy about it, that you _always_ are about _everything._ And I know that that’s the way you’d prefer it to go and it’s probably also the way I’d prefer it to go, but I am not like you and I just can’t- Fuck, I don’t know. I just can’t do it. The thing that you don’t want to understand is that it wasn’t an ‘accident’ or ‘impulsive’ or something like that. Remus, I had been _thinking_ about stuff like that. It wasn’t just something I _said_ , it wasn’t just something I _did_ , it was something I had been _thinking about._ And the worst part is: all of that is _also_ not what I’m apologising for. Because, quite frankly, I do not care and I think neither do you, Remus. Because let’s be real here: you already know all of that, don’t you? Because even though you like to pretend that you don’t notice stuff or aren’t able to put two and two together, everyone knows that you really _are_ observant, you really _are_ smart. And I also think that you know what I am really apologising for.’

He paused and finally looked at Remus. When their eyes met, a cold sensation ran through Remus’s body, making him shiver. _Sirius is right,_ he suddenly realised. Deep down, he probably already _had_ known all of that. And, deep down, he also knew what Sirius really felt guilty for.

‘You did it…You did it because of me.’ Remus whispered toneless.

Sirius’s smile was so bitter, Remus could not even look at him. His voice was not more than a whisper.

‘Of course I did.’

‘Sirius. Why?’

‘Because I wanted to hurt you. I wanted you to feel bad. I wanted to make you regret that you…That you wouldn’t let me kiss you that day.’

Sirius looked him directly in the eyes, and Remus did not dare to look away.

‘But I’ve just realised that I've never wanted that. I've never wanted you to feel bad, because when you started apologising earlier, _I_ felt so bad. I did it because of you. I knew that I wouldn’t stand a chance against them when I followed them into the forest, I _knew_ how it would end. But it wasn’t about Snape and it wasn’t about my brother. Everything I thought about was that maybe you’d feel bad for rejecting me at the lake. I mean how fucked up is that? I literally tried to manipulate you into-’

‘I never rejected you.’

‘What?’

‘I never- you know it doesn’t matter. I don’t know, mate.’

Remus suddenly felt very tired. He knew he was supposed to be angry, probably even furious, but he just felt tired.

‘I don’t know Sirius. Like yeah, that was fucked up. It was utterly idiotic. Don’t do that again.’

‘ _Don’t do that again?_ What-’

Sirius snickered. Then he started laughing from the top of his lungs.

‘Moons, you can’t just say _don’t do that again._ It’s not like I ate your chocolate or something. Have some self-respect.’

‘I _have_ self-respect!’ Remus snorted. ‘It’s just- you could have talked to me or something, you know? There was literally _no need_ to get yourself nearly killed. It’s just so ridiculously in character, I can’t even be mad.’

‘But you should be mad.’

Sirius stopped laughing. His smile turned soft, and he looked at Remus, eyes incredibly clear in the light that fell through the curtains.

‘You _should_ be mad, Remus.’

He reached out his hand and brushed Remus’s cheek.

‘Please be mad. It’s your right to be mad.’

‘It is also my right to not be mad. Sirius, I know what this is about. You think I forgive you because I’m scared to lose my friends. I am. But that’s not why I’m not mad. I know you want the punishment of me not forgiving you, but I won’t give you that. My punishment is that I forgive you.’

‘That’s some messed-up psychology, mate.’

Remus shrugged. Maybe it was. He did not care.

‘Sirius, I never rejected you.’

Sirius’s smile froze and he groaned. He let his hand sink.

‘Don’t do that. Please, I know what you’re going to say.’

‘I never rejected you, I was just confused. And overwhelmed. And probably a bit shocked but-’

‘No.’

‘No, what?’

‘Please don’t go there I know what you’re going to say. You-’

‘You don’t-’

‘No Remus, I know _exactly_ -’

‘You do _not-_ ’

‘If you _just_ let me talk, I would explain to you what you’re going to say-’

‘Sirius, _you_ interrupted _me_ -’

‘ _Shush it_ , wolfboy, now it’s me talking.’

Remus could not help but snort at the nickname.

‘You are going to say that you’re not really sure what this is, because it is something you’ve never really thought about, and it is not something you _don’t_ like, you just don’t know if you _do_ like it and you need some time to figure things out. And then you are probably going to say how you’re already an outcast and how you’re already scarred by life or whatever, and Moony, _I get that._ I get it and you are right in every aspect. And I hope that I don’t ask for too much, but could you do me favour? Don’t make me listen to it. Because I’m fine with you doing whatever you need to do. I’m fine with all of it. I’m fine with being in love with you.’

‘You are-’

‘Please just drop it.’

They looked at each other for a moment, not saying anything. Finally, Sirius turned away. Remus saw his lips trembling.

‘Okay,’ Remus whispered ‘I’m gonna leave now.’

And then he leaned forward and kissed Sirius softly on the lips. So brief, he was not even sure it had really happened when the sensation was gone. _Oh,_ he thought, when suddenly everything fell into place and his world fell apart.

_That’s that._

‘Do whatever you need to do, huh?’

And then Sirius smirked and the second time that day, someone really had the audacity to _wink_ at Remus.

‘I’m leaving right now you complete wanker.’

‘Remus, wait. ’

Remus was already about to leave, when he turned around to look at Sirius one last time.

‘What was it that you wanted to prove to Lily?’

Remus smirked.

‘That we don’t want to shag each other.’

‘Oh,’ Sirius said, ‘So what are you going to tell her?’

‘I don’t know yet. But it’s not looking good for me, to be honest.’

He shoved away the curtains and was already halfway out, when he heard Sirius’s surprised _Oh_ behind him.

‘Wait, Remus, are you being serious?’

‘No,’ he laughed, ‘That’s you.’

And then Remus left, and he realized that even if many things didn't make any sense, others suddenly did. But maybe, just maybe, that was enough for now. 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry if the grammar in this sucks, I wrote most of it in the middle of the night. Thanks for reading!
> 
> (If you read this before dec. 27 I'm sorry)


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